Uncomfortable Conference Encounters

This week I’m writing about something that came as a result of my blog post about shyness. I have a friend who is outgoing, well spoken, interesting and always worth talking to. She read the post and said that what she doesn’t know how to handle is when she’s at a conference or party in conversation with someone, and that person is obviously scouting the room for “someone better” to see or be seen with.

It happens to all of use. You approach someone to be friendly, only to find that aren’t interested in conversing if you aren’t obviously someone who 1) can help their career, 2) is famous, or at least recognizable, or 3) is worth being seen with.

Even worse is when you get up the courage to talk to someone you admire, only to find that it pains them to have to be seen with someone not as important as they are. I’ve rarely encountered Mr. or Ms. Too Cool for the Masses Ninety percent of the well-known writers I’ve encountered are more than generous. With those few “stars” who can’t be bothered, there’s not much to be done except slink away and vow never to buy any of their books again.

I’m just as sensitive to this kind of bad manners as most people. Usually when it happens, I’m so humiliated that I pretend I see someone I know and say, “Excuse me, I see someone I need to talk to.” And I slink away and go talk to the wall. But if you really want to do something more, I’d say the way you handle it depends on how much you care—if you want to teach them a lesson or if you just want to extricate yourself and move on.

I’m not much for trying to teach a lesson because I think it’s a waste of time. But if I were feeling particularly snarky and annoyed, I probably would say something like, “I can see I’ve disturbed your search for someone. I’ll leave you to it.” At least it lets them know that their wandering eye isn’t lost on you.

But there’s another possibility. The person who is searching for “someone better” may actually be looking for someone. Or he may be tired, hungry, or grumpy about something that has nothing to do with you. Although there are polite ways to convey this, she may have reached the end of her ability to navigate the chaotic world of the conference.

The exceptionally entertaining, smart woman who talked to me about this said it makes her not like to go to conferences. That floored me. To think that someone as savvy as she is would allow herself to be turned away from what could be a valuable experience by someone who has no manners!

Bottom line the rude person is not worth one second of your attention, regardless of the reason for it. He or she may live in her own little hell of not being recognized enough. She may need something you can’t give her. Or, he may just be overwhelmed.

Bottom line: It’s not about you. Don’t let yourself be defined by people who don’t have good manners. Don’t let them waste your time for one moment. Have a stock phrase ready, like, “Nice chatting. Catch you later.” And walk away.

Don't be shy

Are you the kind of person who at the beach enters the water slowly, letting your body acclimate to the temperature, or do you plunge in for an exhilarating jolt?

Believe it or not, a few years ago I went to a high school reunion, and several people remarked to me, “You used to be so quiet and shy in high school.” Those of you who know me as a social chatterbox probably will have trouble with this image of me as a shy person. The kind of person who dips her toes in, then her ankles, until she finally can swim.

By contrast, I now fling myself into the water, and into social situations. I won’t say I don’t have moments of shyness. I’m as tongue-tied as the next person when I’m in the presence of a writer I really admire. (What to say that won’t make me fell like an idiot?)

With Left Coast Crime coming up and a whole year of wonderful conferences and workshops to contemplate, I hear worried comments about people feeling shy. “I’m an introvert. I don’t know what to say. What if no one talks to me? Everyone will know everyone else and I’ll be invisible.”

I used to have those same jitters. I hated small talk and thought it was a waste of time. But after a while I realized that small talk is the equivalent of sticking your toes in the water to get used to the temperature. It’s a way for a person who isn’t naturally chatty to warm up. Think of social interaction as an athletic event and that you are limbering up for the event.

To help me limber up, I realized that I needed to “think outward” rather than inward. That meant focusing on the person I was talking to, rather than focusing on myself. The idea was to short-circuit the “panic” questions—will she think I’m a fool? Will he roll his eyes to his companions the minute I walk away? Will the group ignore me? Will they pity me?—and plunge into the event.

So I learned to think of a few open-ended questions that I could use to break the ice. Here are a few:

For writers the questions are easy:

1)   What are you working on? You can ask ANY writer this, including the most celebrated. Be prepared to have your ear talked off. People love to talk about what they are working on.  But just in case you ask a writer who doesn’t want to talk about it, you could ask,

2)   What’s the best book you read last month? Or

3)   What have you read that you wish you had written? Or

4)   When will your next book be out? Did you have any problems with it that you usually don’t have?

5)   Any process question (where, when, and how do you work)

You may be talking to an agent. If you are looking for an agent, this is a situation guaranteed to make you tongue-tied. Remember: even agents are people. If you are at a conference, the agent knows fully well that some people are looking for agents and guess what? They are looking for clients! So approach them the way you would anyone, as if you are interested in who they are, not what they are. Here are some questions you could ask:

1)   What’s your favorite book that you acquired last year?

2)   Do you like being an agent? Why? Why not?

3)   What book did you read this year that you wish you had gotten your hands on as an agent?

Same with publishers:

1)   What’s your favorite book you ever published?

2)   Did you always know you wanted to be in publishing?

3)   Do you wish you could turn back the clock to when publishing was a less chaotic business?

4)   Do you think working on the computer has hurt or helped writers?

And of course you may run into a reader! Don’t ask what authors they like. People often feel put on the spot because like everyone else they get brain freeze when they are asked that. Instead ask:

1)   Were you a reader from a young age?

2)   Have your tastes changed over the years?

3)   How many books do you have in your TBR pile?

Or make up your own questions. But the trick is to have a few handy. The even greater trick is when you ask the question, listen to the answer. Somewhere in the answer is the next step.

Having some pre-planned questions up your sleeve will make your conference time sizzle.